Addendum: A trip down amnesia lane.

Instead of working on my next Dreamweaver tutorial, I began a trip down memory lane. It started with listening to Tori Amos (see last post), but evolved into something else entirely, and wanted to share it with you all.

Now, most of you know that I just love to complain. That's why the blog is here. I bitch and moan a lot. But I'll tell you something. I've come a long fucking way. I'm at the mid-point of my life, and have been filled with a sense of ...satisfaction. It started when the babies were born and I turned 35. I just found myself looking back on my life and thinking, "Jesus Christ. I've been through some shit in my go-round." Some of it good, some of it pretty fucking awful, but I SEE how all of my experiences have shaped the woman I am today. Therfore, I can sit here smugly and flip a big "FUCK YOU" bird to all those who tried to hold me back. Allow me to share a sampling from my playlist tonite, and the specific memory I've tied to it (music is great for that, isn't it? You hear the opening notes, and you're transported back in time).

• Everything But The Girl - "Walking Wounded" - This is just a mopey little tune that was on my MP3 player's constant rotation. But it reminds me of my days at the Big 4 firm. I was on top of my game professionally then. And it reminds me of my affair with A., a co-worker who was engaged (and subsequently married). It was in my all-about-me phase, after I emerged from the 7-year nightmare with P.
• Sarah MacLachlan - "Plenty" and "Ecstacy" - This whole album reminds me of the all-about-me days; when I was dating around, doing the NYC Thursday-night-happy-hour thing.
• Marillion "Lavender" and "Miracles" by Gary Numan - OMG. These songs remind me of J. I've written about him before (see here ) but here's one big memory for me. After I'd broken up with him, he sent me a tape (yes, we were still listening to tapes then folks). It was like the songs told a story. One of the songs was "Miracles" by Gary Numan. I don't think I'd ever cried so hard. I wept and wept. Not only because I'd let him go, but because I knew it was the biggest mistake I'd ever made.
• Stevie Nicks/Fleetwood Mac - "Sara" - LOVE this song. I think of Donna when I hear it (we went through this Fleetwood Mac thing for a while), but I think also of my daughter.
• Nina Simone - "Do I Move You" - this song kicks my ass. I love Nina Simone. Would never have known about her if it hadn't been for that Bridget Fonda movie "Point of No Return". It reminds me of sitting in my room in my mom's house, listening to music REALLY loud on my headphones. My life was so simple then and I didn't even know it. What a shame.
• Pink Floyd - "Dogs" - This song reminds me of P. In the bad old days. When I was living with him in Hoboken, scared to death of him. When I couldn't go to work because he was comsumed with jealousy. Riding the PATH train, avoiding the eyes of strangers, feeling like a piece of garbage. When I almost lost my job because of his stupidity. This was the turning point. This was when I immersed myself in my job, because it was the only thing that gave me a sense of accomplishment. And it was the beginning of me taking back ME. Taking back who I was, my self esteem, my sense of self...and refusing to be afraid. It took me several more years, but this was the beginning. To this day, this song gives me chills. I saw Roger Waters several years ago, and he played this song. It made me cry. I heard the opening lyrics, "You gotta be crazy/gotta have a real need..." and before I knew it I was crying. DH couldn't figure it out, and I never told him why I was crying. Some things are better left alone.
• Garbage - "Hammering in My Head" - After I broke up with P. it took me a while to "come back to life". But when I did, I did in a big way. I dyed my hair, lost weight, and enjoyed my life, and enjoyed MEN. There was A (previously discussed), there was M., who I had sex with under a waterfall in the Bahamas -- that was memorable for me because I'd finally mastered the whole male aspect of sex. I screwed him, got dressed and walked away, tossing a "hey, that was nice. thanks" over my shoulder as I went. There was D., who lived in Long Island and was too damn old for me, but he was jockin' me so hard that I was just like, "what the hell?" For a while there, I was like a predator. I did what I wanted, and took what I wanted, and to hell with the consequences...

"I knew you were mine for the taking/knew you were mine for the taking when I walked in the room..."

Looking back on it sometimes I cringe. I'm like, "EWWWwwww!" I can't believe I did THAT! I can't believe I did HIM! But at the end of the day, I'm glad I got to experience it. It makes me a better wife, and a better mom (believe it or not). I can't wait for the day when my girls ask me for help with their boy problems. I've got an earful for them... : )