The Monday After.

Yesterday was just such an emotional, exhausting day. I really wanted to post something, but had neither the time nor the words. Four years later, the pain is still like an open wound. Living in New York, the anniversary of 9/11 is very poignant for me. Everyone has their own 9/11 story.

The weather yesterday in New York was very reminiscent of how the weather was that day. I was still at my Big 4 job, and had gone to a NJ office that day. I got out of my car, and the smell of fresh-cut grass came my way as I walked through the parking lot of the suburban office complex. I remember thinking, "its too nice a day to work - I shoulda played hooky".

I got to the conference room, met my team, and began my daily routine -- checking email and such. I'd gotten an email from someone in that office, with a screenshot from CNN, showing a plane hitting the first Tower. I thought it was a joke, and began to scold the guy who sent it, "Dude, that's not funny". Then we began to receive word that it wasn't a joke - it was all too real. At that point, my friend Lynn got on the phone to her husband, telling him to leave his office and go pick up their son at daycare and go home to their Upper East Side apartment. We all began trying to call our loved ones and make sure they were OK. I stepped out into the rows of cubicles and used an unoccpied desk to call DH - he was unemployed at the time, freshly laid off just three months before (and we'd gotten engaged four months earlier). He was still in bed, and I remember yelling into the machine that he should wake up and turn on the TV.

It was then I began to hear the screaming. A woman who worked in the office had a husband who worked at Cantor Fitzgerald. Just about everyone from Cantor died that day (if memory serves) and her husband was, no doubt, dead. She was running through the halls, screaming. Everyone in the conference room with me just froze, and looked at each other. I began to wonder about Charlie, another member of my team who'd been assigned to go to our Jersey City office that day. He lived in Brooklyn, and I knew he'd be taking the PATH train from the World Trade Center...no one could reach him. Rumors circulated that there was a PATH train stalled on the tracks with people still inside (this turned out to be false). I was sick with worry. Charlie was fine...true to form, he was running late and missed the whole thing.

Lynn and I considered getting a room at a nearby hotel once the borders to the city were shut down, but all hotels were already full. Folks who worked in the office opened their homes to us and invited us to stay with them until it was safe to go home. By late afternoon, we decided to make a go of it and try to get back into the city. I drove all the way up to the NY/NJ border, then came down through the Bronx, and finally home to Queens. I was sitting on the highway in traffic, and everyone you looked, folks were in their cars, windows down, with a local news station playing. It was like one big orchestra of news. I heard music, and turned to see a young man in a car, an Arabic symbol or letter on his back window - and he was literally dancing in the drivers seat. We locked eyes - I can only imagine the look on my face as one of shock - and he smiled at me and pumped his fist in the air.

Nothing felt right to me until I got home to DH. Once night fell, we drove out to Williamsburg, Brooklyn, and stood by the water's edge in the shadow of the Williamsburg Bridge. The smoke rose in a white pillar under the bright lights that had already been erected, and the air smelled of "pickles" (according to DH)...it was the smell of jet fuel. I watched red and blue lights driving along the highway -- police cars, ambulances, and the like. There were entire families there with us in the dark. I noticed a couple of young kids playing near the water, almost as if they were playing at the beach -- with no concept of the horror right in front of them. On the way home, we stopped at a deli for smokes. The news was on inside the store, and folks were standing around, talking and sharing stories. A young man (of unknown ethnicity) walked in, bought a newspaper, and said to us as he walked out, "Today was a good day to die." I wanted to throw up.

I think of other things. I think of the interview I went on at Cantor Fitzgerald in '97, and wonder what my fate would have been had I gotten the job. I think of Annie's DH, a firefighter who responded to the call on 9/11, and though he lived and others didn't, he still no doubt bears the scars of things he witnessed. I think of Danielle, and had it not been for her unborn daughter keeping her home on bedrest, she would have been in one of those towers that day.

To this day, I still can't believe those buildings are gone. And I'm sorry that in all the years I lived in NYC I never went to the observation deck.

Whoo-ee. Now that you're ready to cut your wrists, allow me to change the subject:
I'm looking at a basket of some of the girls' toys. The OT therapist recommended that I weed out some of their toys, and only keep things that are "age appropriate". I need to get rid of them, but am fighting it. It would make me sad to throw them away, because that would mean I have to admit that they're growing up. I look at their little Baby Einstein blocks, the little Sesame Street Activity Atom, and I want to hang on to these things forever, because then I could hang on to my babies. Parenthood stinks sometimes.

Here's today's Monday Madness:
This week its true or false. Feel free to elaborate on your answers.
1. I'm at my best in the early morning. - FALSE. I am NOT a morning person.
2. I start each day with a healthy breakfast. - FALSE. Its usually Cap'n Crunch, Fruity Pebbles, or some other junk cereal.
3. I'm always sure to get at least 7 hours of sleep each night. - FALSE. I usually average 5 or 6.
4. I enjoy my job. - TRUE - My "job" as SAHM, that is.
5. I get along with most everyone. - FALSE. I'm an antisocial dick. At least I can admit it.
6. I'm looking forward to the new season of tv shows this year. - TRUE - some. Looking forward to the "CSI" and "SVU" premiers.
7. I make sure I take some time for myself every day. - TRUE - every night after everyone goes to bed is ME time. The trick is capitalizing on it, and not vegging out in front of the TV!