I'm a gold-digger, I'm a nosepicker...
Today I'm in a bad fucking mood. I'm depressed as hell. I don't want to deal with the babies today, which is pretty unfair to them, because I'm not pissed at them. They're innocent. Which makes it even worse.
DH and I had a huge fight last nite about money. I need more money from him to buy food. My unemployment runs out in January, and at that point, he's going to have to pick up the ball for food costs. I'm spending about $200 a week on food - half of that is formula. DH was horrified that he has to give me MORE money. "I should never have told you how much I'm making now...you just stand there with your hand out, saying 'Gimme more, gimme more'. I have financial goals that I need to achieve (subtext: the HOUSE FOR MAMA) and you're trying to stand in my way -- you're a gold-digging bitch".
Well...hardy har har. If I were a gold digging bitch I sure as hell would not have married YOU, unemployed that you were at the time of our wedding. How quickly we forget....a year ago I was making $30,000 more a year than he was. Three years ago, he was sitting his fat ass at home, shaving his head and cutting himself with knives, while I busted my ass and carried the WHOLE house myself. Bills, food, everything. And this is how I am repaid. Shame on me.
My head must have spun around 360 and I said "You wanna see a gold-digging bitch? Go visit your mother". OOOPS. The words hung over my head in a little bubble, and for a minute neither of us said anything. Then he said "I knew it. You're a woman, and therefore you must hate your MIL. But I AM going to get a house, and SHE IS going to live with us whether you like it or not, and you will NOT stand in the way. So you are now the enemy and I will treat you accordingly".
Have you ever heard anything more sickening in your life?
I can't stand this. THIS is where my death dreams are coming from. I swear to God, every day that I wake up and I'm still breathing, I wish that woman and the aunt dead. I'm going to burn in hell for it, but I wish they were dead. Because then DH would be free to be a husband to me, instead of my having to share him with two other women who will not let go of him. She's coming to my house on Sunday and I have to smile and make nice when what I really want to do is spit in her face and tell her how much I hate her for screwing up DH so fucking badly. That its HER fault that my marriage is falling apart. The egg timer has been turned over on this marriage and the sand is running out. If it was just me & him that's bad enough, but now there are two little babies in the mix, and that's just not fair to them.
So now what you may be asking? Well, I have no fucking clue. Clearly I need to find some kind of work from home, I need to do SOMETHING to get some of my OWN money into my hands. I cannot take this begging for money to buy food for my children. Won't do it. And in the meantime I'll keep stealing money from him in the middle of the night, when he's had his 12 beers and he's passed out. And bide my time. Because there's really nothing else to do. I'm going to need a Valium to get through the holidays without spitting venom in their faces. And if I don't wind up exploding, I'll have a fucking stroke from keeping this shit bottled up.
You know, I finally got my wedding album. I haven't hung up any of the pictures yet, just haven't gotten around to it...on purpose I think. Because at the end of the day, after a nite like I had last nite, I just don't feel any connection to the person in the pictures. This just wasn't what I signed on for. I don't know what I thought it would be like, but this definitely ain't it.
FUCK. I promise to post something upbeat eventually.
DH and I had a huge fight last nite about money. I need more money from him to buy food. My unemployment runs out in January, and at that point, he's going to have to pick up the ball for food costs. I'm spending about $200 a week on food - half of that is formula. DH was horrified that he has to give me MORE money. "I should never have told you how much I'm making now...you just stand there with your hand out, saying 'Gimme more, gimme more'. I have financial goals that I need to achieve (subtext: the HOUSE FOR MAMA) and you're trying to stand in my way -- you're a gold-digging bitch".
Well...hardy har har. If I were a gold digging bitch I sure as hell would not have married YOU, unemployed that you were at the time of our wedding. How quickly we forget....a year ago I was making $30,000 more a year than he was. Three years ago, he was sitting his fat ass at home, shaving his head and cutting himself with knives, while I busted my ass and carried the WHOLE house myself. Bills, food, everything. And this is how I am repaid. Shame on me.
My head must have spun around 360 and I said "You wanna see a gold-digging bitch? Go visit your mother". OOOPS. The words hung over my head in a little bubble, and for a minute neither of us said anything. Then he said "I knew it. You're a woman, and therefore you must hate your MIL. But I AM going to get a house, and SHE IS going to live with us whether you like it or not, and you will NOT stand in the way. So you are now the enemy and I will treat you accordingly".
Have you ever heard anything more sickening in your life?
I can't stand this. THIS is where my death dreams are coming from. I swear to God, every day that I wake up and I'm still breathing, I wish that woman and the aunt dead. I'm going to burn in hell for it, but I wish they were dead. Because then DH would be free to be a husband to me, instead of my having to share him with two other women who will not let go of him. She's coming to my house on Sunday and I have to smile and make nice when what I really want to do is spit in her face and tell her how much I hate her for screwing up DH so fucking badly. That its HER fault that my marriage is falling apart. The egg timer has been turned over on this marriage and the sand is running out. If it was just me & him that's bad enough, but now there are two little babies in the mix, and that's just not fair to them.
So now what you may be asking? Well, I have no fucking clue. Clearly I need to find some kind of work from home, I need to do SOMETHING to get some of my OWN money into my hands. I cannot take this begging for money to buy food for my children. Won't do it. And in the meantime I'll keep stealing money from him in the middle of the night, when he's had his 12 beers and he's passed out. And bide my time. Because there's really nothing else to do. I'm going to need a Valium to get through the holidays without spitting venom in their faces. And if I don't wind up exploding, I'll have a fucking stroke from keeping this shit bottled up.
You know, I finally got my wedding album. I haven't hung up any of the pictures yet, just haven't gotten around to it...on purpose I think. Because at the end of the day, after a nite like I had last nite, I just don't feel any connection to the person in the pictures. This just wasn't what I signed on for. I don't know what I thought it would be like, but this definitely ain't it.
FUCK. I promise to post something upbeat eventually.
posted by scrappintwinmom @ 2:31 PM
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